atychiphobia.

Atychiphobia is the abnormal, unwarranted, and persistent fear of failure.  From one aspect, by remaining guarded and constantly hiding behind your protective walls there is a much higher success rate of a low tear flow.  But what is the point of holding back?  If I could go back and erase relationships, mistakes, and unfortunate happenings would I do it? I hope not.  I hope that I can learn to face all of my trials and heartbreaks with open arms and use them to prepare myself for better.  Franklin Roosevelt said, "the only thing to fear is fear itself".  I hope that I will take chances and not fear failure.  Mom once told me that everyone has a story, and that your sole mission when interacting with other people (especially those you loathe) is to figure out what that is; figure out what makes them who they are and try your best to understand that.  In bigger relationships there is so much more than just the final destination, of whether you do or do not end up with that person, to consider.  To all of the people that feel like they've wasted months or even years pining after a hopeless cause, it did mean something.  For me it has meant that I'm capable of loving someone no matter what the odds are.  Through the failures I've found qualities that are important to me and that I want to have in my future someone.  If I could give myself any advice it would be to not be afraid of love, not to be afraid of getting attached to someone you know it's not going to work out with, or someone that is broken, not to be afraid of falling so hard that all you can do is pray that there aren't too many pieces to pick up after the madness settles.  And through all of the madness, risk taking, and roller coasters, eventually the clouds will clear, and I'll find him.  Until then, all I can ask of myself is enjoy all of it, because you can't take any of it back.  Lastly, shout out to the boys that are too scared to get broken: stop acting like a girl and grow a pair. Lots of Love.

winning.

Today is the first in a long time that I'm happy and proud of myself for the things that I've been able to accomplish based solely on my own hard work.  After a mentally draining month of cramming EMT information down my throat, I finally passed the dreaded written exam.  To top that off, I found out that I got the job at the hospital that I wanted.  Never have I ever felt so independent, strong, and ready to face my goals.  I am fully aware that I won't reap the true benefits of independence until I'm married, financially stable, and no longer freeloading off my parents, but I can stand to wait for that day.  Today has felt like one small step for me into a summer that I hope to remember and happily look back on.  Looking forward to my celebratory Cold Stone outing tonight and endless binging of my trashy MTV guilty pleasure.  
Also, this one kid left me a blue orchid and bag of snickers on my car this morning; it was quite awe worthy.

languages.

I just took the love languages test, because it  has been a topic that has been circulating for a little while now among my friends, and these were my results:

I don't think that it matters as much if your significant other has the same love language that you do, but that you need to be willing to reinforce the necessities that come with each language.  You need to care enough to make that individual secure in the relationship.  And if you don't, then it is probably time to move on...I should probably take my own advice on that one.

snapchat.

This is what it has come to: 10 seconds or less of interaction through a picture, or a video if you wanna get real crazy...

While slightly justifiable between the best of friends who probably should see less of each other, this necessary evil is not nor will ever be an acceptable form of communication between two prospectively dating individuals (idk if that made sense). The amount of time spent taking an acceptable selfie alone should make people hate this demonic breed of social media.  There are times where I can't help but cherish my snap chat, but the negative feelings that I have absolutely overshadow any superficial pleasure.

also...it is NOT fun to accidentally receive another girls snap chat from your supposed male friend; thank you for making hating you that much easier.

other non-biased reasons to hate on snap chat:

• 32 characters or less
• running out of unique facial expressions
• not being able to use the majority of my facial expressions when communicating with a male friend
• ^^^ one only has so many attractive angles...
• it drains your battery, which then stops you from doing all of the other meaningless things that we participate in through the inter web 

sorry, slightly cynical.  Sadly, no matter how much the app detests me, I can't get myself to keep it deleted. SNAP you later!

interrogation.

I've never been a fan of first dates, but this one was actually going exceptionally well.  The conversation was good and dinner was delicious (since I picked the restaurant, whoop).  At about nine we headed up to this trail that his buddy had told him about.  After driving a little ways, we parked and hiked the rest, thankfully not too strenuous a climb for having a full stomach.  It was a surprisingly warm night as we comfortably laid out on blankets and cuddled (my favorite activity).  We talked about everything.  For the first time in a long time I felt like an open book; he was ready with questions and I wasn't afraid to answer them.  Whether it was because I was comfortable and trusting or just emotionally somewhere else because of my "squirrel", it was easy, and refreshing.

BROWNIE POINTS: after attempting to kiss me I informed him of my policy.  He asked when he could take me out again, and I said, "whenever you call me".  Then he pulled out his phone and said, "hey, I think someone is calling you"...well done.

Around one, I checked my phone to find texts from the "squirrel", but more importantly from a slightly anxious Mother Duck. We packed up and walked back down the hill, where we found that something was missing.  The car.

A tired/grumpy buddy was kind enough to come rescue us and drove us to the tow company.  We were then informed that we couldn't get the car back until we talked to the police.  

Once we got there we were sent to an interrogation room where we were informed that 1. we had been trespassing on private property and 2. someone had cut the wire fence, laced it back together, and could be held responsible for the well-being of 50K dollars worth of rams.  That was not us... After talking to the officer, he said that he believed us and told us that we shouldn't be too worried about our situation.  I'm pretty sure that can be attributed to the pallor and terrified expression that I wore during the entire debriefing.

240 dollars later we had his car back, and were heading home when he turned to me and said, "well, I think that's the most expensive first date I've ever been on" ha ha.  If I thought that that part of the evening was heinous, it was nothing compared to the interrogation that I received from the mother.  
Bottom-line: 4am is not a good time to be coming home.

fresh.

looking back on freshman year, it's so easy to think about all of the negatives like:

1. the lack of freshman boys
2. redshirting
3. my not so hot grade point average

but...there were 100X the amount of hilarious, adventurous, and truly memorable moments that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Some wisdom that I gained from my first year:

1. meal plans are of the devil
2. the testing center is where dreams go to die
3. Tinder is the quickest way to meet creepy people #NCMO
4. fun occurs after midnight, crazy occurs after 3
5. people skip class
6. you will become friends with people you never thought you would, and don't understand how you did
7. college is your chance to reinvent yourself, but that never happens because…you are who you are
8. people think being a student athlete is cool
9. boys continue to prove to be juvenile whether they are 12 or 21
10. Netflix is the equivalent to any addictive substance
11. 5 hour energy is heaven sent
12. college is much better than high school

singles.

It didn't take longer than an hour of being at church for multiple people to make sure that I was going to be attending the singles ward.  It's a strange environment filled with three different kinds of people:

• the "home for the summer"
• the "still living at home"
• the "desperate for love"

it's extremely evident that the majority of the population attends merely for the social aspect.  I cannot say that I deviated from that stereotype whatsoever.

nursery.

As my first Sunday back at my home ward, I was immediately ushered towards the nursery because of their lack of teachers for the day.  Lucky for me there were only four little ones to watch after; Kate, Chloe, Piper, and Patton.  Chloe was definitely my favorite.  As soon as she came in with her mom she gave me a big smile and a hug that barely reached my knees, but melted my heart.  They are so precious and it was so much fun coloring, playing, and singing with them.  The side effect of this kind of caregiving is having feelings of...baby hunger.  Enough said.

t-meetings.

There are 4 different kinds of testimony meetings:

• first, is the one where there is a living creature inside you either causing a ruckus in your stomach, making your heart rate increase to the speed if sound, or other side effects of the Spirit telling you that the time has come again for you to bear your testimony.
• second, is the one where your fast is more about hunger than humility leaving you too hungry to even care what is going on and thereby are ultra sensitive to the baby crying or the unfortunate person with the seasonal allergies.
• third, is the one where you go in and out of paying attention and then...an individual that for whatever reason, makes you hold your breath and cringe slightly as you sit uncomfortably through their over emotional, over personal, occasionally sacrilegious ten minute monologue.
• fourth, is the one that leaves you truly touched by the spirit. Somehow you've lucked out and there are good stories, jokes, anything that keeps you continuously engaged.  These are the occasions that remind you of how amazing the gospel is.

doughy.

Currently I am sitting in the locker room recuperating from the not so hard workout that proved to be extremely arduous. Not only did I barely last 40 minutes, but retreated to a yoga mat where I found solace in the recumbent position for at least 10 minutes. No amount of pump up songs could keep me moving today. Better luck on Monday, as I will hit the gym again and attempt to begin melting off the fat that has accumulated since the beginning of fall semester.

Also...
1. it is NOT okay to call people fat unless they are twig skinny
2. it is NOT okay to express your desire to lose weight unless you actually have to lose a significant amount of weight and/or are with people who are skinnier than you.
3. it is a daily struggle explaining to people why I currently have no muscle..."aren't you a gymnast"...yes, but I did JUST HAVE SURGERY...yeah, that still seems to confuse some dimwitted individuals.
4. Your parents may comment that you should probably be a "little more" (way more) careful about what you eat, but they still feel the need to buy powdered donuts and make lemon meringue pie. Real swell.

home.

Not too stir crazy yet...

Welcome to my "home" which doesn't really feel like my home anymore, but my mother's home. But I know that every time I say that, she dies a little bit inside. 

Queen Georgie 

(commonly mistaken for a boy...NOT A BOY!)

Sofia.  

The only pet, besides my stuffed animals that I am suitable enough to be completely responsible for.  That realization came a few days ago when I accidentally dropped Markie's beta fish, Wesley, down the garbage disposal. Traumatizing. 

Pile of crap. 

Lastly, here is the remainder of my (still packed) belongings that I've been refusing to acknowledge still exists. Actually having slight withdrawals for my jail cell sized dorm, estrogen loaded hallway, and the communal showers.  Basically all if it, besides the shower shoes. I loathed the shower shoes.   

hi.

May 2nd.  I wish I would've started this yesterday.  New month, new me.  Just a good example of how behind in the times I tend to be.  I am not inner circle enough to be in the know, and now that we're out of school for the summer, I cannot even rely on my peeps of the inner circle to keep me in the know.  Therefore, I am on my own because of my lack of desire to integrate to the inner circle by way of social media.  Because, let's face it, these days that is the only way to get there.

 

this is my "how do you do this" face.  Welcome.